Painting on Silence

twenty eleven.

Top 10 greatest moments of 2010 in no ranked order:

1. Singing the National Anthem for President Obama's Town Hall Meeting in Tampa, Fla.
2. Acceptance into graduate school for an MM degree in performance.
3. Sitting where I did on the bus for UT's Band Tour <3
4. Getting the summer position at Loyola University's FAC.
5. Signing my lease for the apartment.
6. Getting into my first opera.
7. Performing Haydn's "Creation" with the Florida Orchestra and the Master Chorale of Tampa Bay.
8. Beating Halo 3 from start to finish in one night with Bren.
9. Putting on my senior recital.
10. Earning my Bachelor of Music at the University of Tampa.

This year I hope to stop worrying and obsessing over the small stuff. My resolution is to just be happy. Sure, it sounds easy, but if you think about it, we do an awful lot in our lives to prevent us from experiencing pure joy.

If I choose to have dessert one time, I refuse to keep telling myself I'm fat. If I miss a note on stage or have an off-day in rehearsal, I won't question my abilities or choice in career.  If someone chooses to leave my life, I will not waste my time analyzing what could have been.

This year will be different.

Because something just tells me, it's gonna be a great 12 months :)

Singing the National Anthem for President Obama's meeting in January.

glass.

Well, the semester ended and I have a few weeks before I make the long, cold trip up North (not that it's much warmer here in Tampa). For the past 3 months I've had purple in my hair - finely subtle, yet distinguishable in sunlight. So I decided to go bold for the next few weeks until I dye it back to a brown for the holidays (you're welcome, Mom/Grammy/Jesus/etc.).

Turquoise highlights.

Now, upon seeing it for the first time, I was even taken a little aback. But it's fun and seasonal, and you know what?It's my hair.

But after a few days of having some teal tresses, I started to notice something I never had before - people's innate capacity for judgment. And thus began the experiment.

It started out when I went Christmas shopping at International Mall in South Tampa. I went to get lunch with my roommates at Too Jay's and upon along the cobblestone path of restaurants, I heard these two, teenagers girls whisper, "Hair."

It seemed as if I couldn't walk anywhere in the mall without someone looking at me with the one raised eyebrow look or the "she must be a rebel and therefore we must burn her with our eyes" look.

People with other unnaturally-colored hair as well as many gay guys seemed to love it. I even got a great deal on red wine shoes and a matching clutch from a fabulous guy who admired my boldness.

It didn't hit me until I went to Chipotle today at lunchtime with my roommate, and I felt the entire room judge me falsely. The unsubtle going-to-take-a-bite-but-stopping-when-a-person-with-turquoise-hair-walks-in didn't bother me as much as the shaking of the heads and wide-eyed looks did. For God's sake, blink.

You know, hair grows. And it also can be dyed back to its original color. And, underneath my hair, I'm still me.

It sickens me sometimes when I think about how much I have judged people in the past. I'm not perfect. I've judged someone for not exactly wearing clothing that fits. Or having lime green acrylic fingernails with silver beads that extend beyond two inches. Or wearing mini skirts with Uggs in the winter.

Aside from the way we talk, what we wear, our body shape/type and even what the color of our hair is, we're all people. Just because someone has blue hair doesn't mean she hasn't any morals or education.

I think sometimes people put way to much emphasis on the negative stuff. The stuff that, for whatever reason, makes them feel a little less awkward and better.

But who gives a person authority to sit there, judge a stranger and continue to stare with a glance that could cut glass?

outspoken.

Is your favorite phrase "sucky sucky for 5 dolla" because you're Asian?

----

Usually, I let things like this go. But it's this type of ignorance that leads to horrible tragedies like the recent teen suicides.

It's this type of question that creates the invisible yet widely-felt line that divides every single human being in the world against each other and often against themselves.

So I feel the need to ask, what is the point of continuing to fight for a freedom that clearly does not exist?

 

perseverance.

So after 10 hours of working on my music thesis, I'm still nowhere near as far along as I'd hoped to be. I just keep adding more things. The more I research about one aspect, the more I find out about another...my desk, my brain and my stress level are all overflowing. I just red-penned my so-far draft and let's just say there's a big red X through page 4. Ugh..grad school is kickin' my butt! :-p

Oh and speaking of X, I log on to find:

And....three years later, your continuous monthly friend requests still have no effect on my life.

Sometimes I still actually find it alarming that a man whom I dated for two years, cheated on me via Craigslist and then lied during the breakup and told everyone that I cheated on him, can still find the cojones to Facebook me every month for almost three years.

I guess we're both relying on perseverance these days. Except mine is educational and pertains to my thesis; yours is just...well, pathetic.

Ah, life.

Happy Friday though! :)

undo.

By the powers of rounding we'll just go ahead and say that today just sucked (non-inclusive of the sushi-and-pedi-date with my roomie). But seriously, today was cry-in-front-of-the-studio bad.

But you know what I realized most of all?

I AM HUMAN.

I am a freaking human being. With feelings. And emotions. And stress. And a crap-ton of work. And I hate to break this to about half of the people in my life, but sometimes YOU DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE THIS FACT.

I am tired of being ditched.

I am tired of meeting men who want to - talk to you, text you all the time, call you constantly, e-mail you every day and go on dates with you- for maybe give or take three weeks, and then ignore you. Your game is stupid. So stop sending me an empty and solo "Hi." every four days. It's meaningless and so are you to my life now.

I am tired of constantly thinking about money and bills and financial aid and rent.

I am tired of being tired.

I am tired of my thesis right now.

I continue to bust my ass every single day NOT so I can get up in front of an audience and STILL be shot down. At least let me be prepared. Or warmed up. Or finish the phrase of a piece of music. I am trying very hard to strengthen my backbone and maybe you need to realize that IT'S HARD and a SLOW PROCESS and something that I am very aware that I need to improve. I know I'm a sensitive person. I know that in this field you have to have diva-skin. Ugh, today sucked.

I hate how hard I am on myself.

I am tired of constantly wondering whether or not a kiss really meant something, or whether or not you are really just a sleaze.

I am tired of this semester.

I am tired of feeling not good enough.

I am tired of feeling fatter than everyone else.

I am tired of my hair color.

I am tired of watching everyone else have grassier and greener sides than I.

I am tired of missing him. I have missed him everyday for going on two years and I find myself hindered at the thought of getting that close to anyone ever again.

I am tired of writing the word tired.

And sometimes, I'm tired of being just human.

prologue.

FLORIDA OR BUST

And here it is - my life in two suitcases.

It's time to start a new chapter. I'm turning the page in t-minus 18 hours.

Moving isn't always the hardest part though; moving on is what makes change so difficult. But you know what? I don't think I'd ever be 100% ready, so I might as well just go for it.

And if I fail, at least I can say I had the balls to try.

So here we go :)

life is scary, but there's safety in numbers.

Rose is Rose

So I was at a local beach joint yesterday and saw a man sitting at the edge of the bar. He was knocking them back like his life depended on it and murmuring things under his breath.

He then looked up at me and said, "Look at you. With your hair all perfect and your dress. Who do you think you are? You probably think you're so nice. And maybe you really are. But it's people like you who I can't stand because you don't exist. You are all the same. You're pretty and smart. But then you wake up the next morning, roll over and look at guys like me like we're the biggest douchebags in the world. And all we were trying to do was be nice to women just like you."

Now, obviously this guy was inebriated beyond any recognition of the word "sobriety," but I decided to just ask him if he was okay and if he wanted to talk about it.

So he began to tell me the story about the girl - the one person who he let his guard down with and who ended up abandoning him for someone else.

[Same familiar story, just a different day.]

I listened and after he was finished his rant he said, "I'm sorry, you probably didn't need to hear any of this."

I told him it was alright and that I hope he'd be okay. And he said, "Why would you sit here and just listen to this crap?"

And quite honestly, I didn't really know what to say other than, "Because I think that's what people should do for each other."

And this got me thinking.

Why do nice people always question their level of courtesy?

Statements like "Nice guys finish last" have really begun to take its toll on the way people treat each other. It's like people don't think others will reciprocate love, so they put up various barriers or refuse to be nice in general.

But what would happen if everyone was just a little bit nicer? I'm not trying to picture a perfect world without conflict or difference. I'm only trying to picture a world where people just took a moment, stepped back and gave a little more of a damn.

This guy was almost wondering if being so nice was worth it. I've often wondered myself if the idea of "free love" is safe.

Because it's scary to put yourself out there with your heart on your sleeve especially when over half of the people you meet won't care. And then continuing to be nice to these people in the process is really hard.

But I guess life is too.

And maybe we all just have to help each other make this life a little less scary.

I don't know. Just a thought...

male, female, or vegetarian?

Choices. We're all given them.

So what happens when you make a personal choice that affects only you, and people STILL find a way to induce conflict?

Every year, apparently the staff holds an end-of-summer appreciation dinner for everyone. Some people were talking about the menu and what food would be ordered - chicken, spaghetti and salad.

Someone questioned why the pasta wouldn't have meat in it. (Perfectly acceptable question, might I add). The guy in charge of planning the event said, "Well we're ordering chicken and other things, so we need to have a dish that caters to vegetarians."

The first guy then goes on a rant about how that's stupid and how it's our own problem if people choose to be vegetarians and they should find their own means of food for this community-serving dinner.

I vouched for the menu, which caused him to ask if I was a vegetarian. Upon finding out that I am, he began to make side comments in disapproval. He kept questioning why I am one and responding with the word, "No."

And if that wasn't enough, a few minutes later, he then sits next to me and begins talking (unnecessarily loud) about how much he loves veal proclaiming, "I absolutely love killing baby cows! Veal has absolutely no fat on it because the babies are too young to produce it when they are murdered. Yup. I love it. Love it. Love it."

----

And you know what? This is absolute crap.

I don't care if you don't agree with everything I do. I accept that people are different. I love individualism and non-conformity. And it makes me sick that people actually feel they have the right to judge you based on things that only pertain to you.

I don't throw my beliefs on anyone. You can eat a whole rack of ribs in front of me and it would not make me think any differently. You can believe in one God, 10 gods or no God, and I will still love you for the person that you are.

And you know another thing?

People have so many problems with pro-anything groups because they think they cause conflict and hinder freedom. But then these people have absolutely no problem getting in your face and stereotyping you when they find out one detail about your life like what you don't eat, if you go to church or what your favorite genre of music is.

Basically, they hate when you throw beliefs in their faces, but still pick on you when even if you don't.

I say, stop the bullshit. Stop trying to classify everyone based on what stats or history say. And just get to know me for who I am, not what you assume I am based on an idea you have about a certain type of person.

Be who you are and love who you are.

And don't let anyone try and make you question that.

365 Ways to Use Duct Tape in 2010

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the power of being without it.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.
-Genesis 1:3-5

Reinhold Stansich/flickr.com

There's nothing like a strong storm knocking the power out. There's also nothing like that first gust of wind notifying you of the black wonder that's to come.

And there's nothing like the eerie sound of silence that encompasses an entire neighborhood as I lie motionless on my bedroom floor in the pitch black on this humid, June evening.

Everyday, people use power, technology and social media to keep them from the one thing that they probably fear the most - themselves.

Thoughts are a powerful thing. And sometimes, too powerful.

They have the power over choosing wrong over right. They have the power to end relationships on a whim. They have this power that can make you turn your back on your best friends. They contain the power to make people attempt suicide. They have the power to start war, end war and allow people to believe in dying for something. Thoughts have the power to challenge the seemingly impossible. Thoughts also have the power to keep you down, pull you back up or remain status quo. Thoughts are inevitable. They are indecisive. And they are beautiful.

So there I lay, with almost 22 years of thoughts.

And I began to realize why so many people avoid silence and hate being alone. Because although most of my thoughts were happy and motivational, some of them were filled with guilt and brutal honesty.

And in that time of soundless somberness, I came to terms with a lot.

I realized that in the dark there's no distinction between where I've walked and where I'm going - there's only the memory and the curiosity. Everyone's physical imperfections, bruises and stains are invisible. Clear writing is impossible. There's no difference between a dollar bill and a $100 bill. Without a computer, the TV, kitchen appliances, the garage door or lights, all we really have is each other. And air.

I forgot how much I love the sound of still, thick air.

I guess all we need sometimes is a reality check to make sure we're really living and really listening. And whether this check comes in the form of unexpected unemployment, a split seconds-away-from-dying car crash or even bittersweet silence, we have to be thankful for each millisecond we're given and the people we're meant to share them with.