Painting on Silence

perseverance.

So after 10 hours of working on my music thesis, I'm still nowhere near as far along as I'd hoped to be. I just keep adding more things. The more I research about one aspect, the more I find out about another...my desk, my brain and my stress level are all overflowing. I just red-penned my so-far draft and let's just say there's a big red X through page 4. Ugh..grad school is kickin' my butt! :-p

Oh and speaking of X, I log on to find:

And....three years later, your continuous monthly friend requests still have no effect on my life.

Sometimes I still actually find it alarming that a man whom I dated for two years, cheated on me via Craigslist and then lied during the breakup and told everyone that I cheated on him, can still find the cojones to Facebook me every month for almost three years.

I guess we're both relying on perseverance these days. Except mine is educational and pertains to my thesis; yours is just...well, pathetic.

Ah, life.

Happy Friday though! :)

undo.

By the powers of rounding we'll just go ahead and say that today just sucked (non-inclusive of the sushi-and-pedi-date with my roomie). But seriously, today was cry-in-front-of-the-studio bad.

But you know what I realized most of all?

I AM HUMAN.

I am a freaking human being. With feelings. And emotions. And stress. And a crap-ton of work. And I hate to break this to about half of the people in my life, but sometimes YOU DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE THIS FACT.

I am tired of being ditched.

I am tired of meeting men who want to - talk to you, text you all the time, call you constantly, e-mail you every day and go on dates with you- for maybe give or take three weeks, and then ignore you. Your game is stupid. So stop sending me an empty and solo "Hi." every four days. It's meaningless and so are you to my life now.

I am tired of constantly thinking about money and bills and financial aid and rent.

I am tired of being tired.

I am tired of my thesis right now.

I continue to bust my ass every single day NOT so I can get up in front of an audience and STILL be shot down. At least let me be prepared. Or warmed up. Or finish the phrase of a piece of music. I am trying very hard to strengthen my backbone and maybe you need to realize that IT'S HARD and a SLOW PROCESS and something that I am very aware that I need to improve. I know I'm a sensitive person. I know that in this field you have to have diva-skin. Ugh, today sucked.

I hate how hard I am on myself.

I am tired of constantly wondering whether or not a kiss really meant something, or whether or not you are really just a sleaze.

I am tired of this semester.

I am tired of feeling not good enough.

I am tired of feeling fatter than everyone else.

I am tired of my hair color.

I am tired of watching everyone else have grassier and greener sides than I.

I am tired of missing him. I have missed him everyday for going on two years and I find myself hindered at the thought of getting that close to anyone ever again.

I am tired of writing the word tired.

And sometimes, I'm tired of being just human.